You get the promotion, and it feels great. Until your first day as the boss of your former teammates.
Now you’re managing people who used to grab lunch with you, vent about management, or text you the not so appropriate memes about work. The dynamic changes overnight, and no one really tells you how to handle it.
You’re no longer one of the gang, but you’re not fully “management” yet either. You’re somewhere in between, trying to lead people who still see you as their peer.
The Awkward Middle
At first, it feels uncomfortable. You’re suddenly left out of certain conversations. People hesitate to open up around you or, worse, test your authority to see what they can get away with.
And maybe, you’re also struggling internally - wanting to keep your friendships but knowing you need to be fair and consistent.
That’s the tricky part. The very relationships that made you effective as a peer can become a challenge when you’re the one giving feedback or making decisions that affect those same friends.
The Leadership Shift: Fairness Over Friendship
The key isn’t to shut down your relationships - it’s to redefine them.
You can still care about people and be approachable. What changes is the lens you see things through. As a leader, your responsibility shifts from being liked to being fair.
That means:
You can’t share everything anymore. Transparency is good, oversharing isn’t.
You need to set boundaries early, not after problems start.
You must apply expectations consistently, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Fairness builds credibility faster than trying to hold on to friendship.
Staying Authentic While Earning Respect
One fear new leaders have is that becoming “the boss” means becoming someone they’re not. It doesn’t. You don’t have to suddenly act like you’ve got all the answers or stop being yourself.
What changes is how you show up. You can still be warm, honest, and approachable, but now, those traits come with more weight. Your words carry influence. Your actions set the tone.
The best way to earn respect is to lead with consistency and clarity, not by distancing yourself or pretending you’re unchanged.
Practical Tips for Managing Former Peers
Acknowledge the change. Have open conversations early. It helps take the tension out of the air.
Clarify expectations. Be transparent about your role and what’s changing (and what’s not).
Model fairness. Treat everyone (friends included) with the same standards.
Create space for new boundaries. It’s okay if some friendships shift. It doesn’t mean they’re lost; they’re just evolving.
Seek support outside the team. Find a mentor or peer leader you can talk to - not your former teammates.
Leadership changes relationships. It’s part of the process, and it’s what helps you grow into someone others can rely on and respect.
You don’t have to stop being yourself to lead. You just have to learn when to step forward as a leader, even when it feels uncomfortable.
Next up in in the Peer to Leader Series - Part 3: “The Feedback Tightrope” - how to give feedback that’s honest, fair, and actually helps your team grow.
